You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
