I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
