someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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