He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
