I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
