I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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