last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
