theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
whose parrot is this?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
