yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
