I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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