I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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