Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
