i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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