Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
