You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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