I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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