I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
