Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
