She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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