Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
