hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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