i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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