Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
