call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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