you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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