I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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