Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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