You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need water and some morals
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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