Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
