girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
