You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
