I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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