Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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