she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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