woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
