Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
