GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
