She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
