Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
