Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
