You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize