this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
