that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
