new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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