Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize