Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
