I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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