Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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