I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
