anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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