how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
