I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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