My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
