So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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