She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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