If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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