Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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