So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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