A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I came so hard my ears popped.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
