put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
