I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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