then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
