i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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