She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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