The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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