My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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