i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
