Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
